Twitter

Here is a thing.

It might turn into something a bit long. So this is my fourth account.

In previously incarnations I have probably tweeted upwards of 60,000 tweets & countless DMs. Mainly replies to people as my brain normally draws a blank on spontaneous thought, but bounces off people.

I suffer from stress and depression, but I have never & will likely never go to the doctor with it. I feel it is manageable, but some days are better than others.

I can suffer from paranoia, normally brought about by a message not being replied to, in usually stupid timescales, and a feeling of a lack of self worth (I am a total failure, especially since I was passed over for reapplying for my own job that I have done well for 5 years) This is cyclical but the downs can be bad, the norm is a little hangdog.

I fear for the future of both myself, my kids, my parents who are both aged and have long term medical conditions, my mother being especially a worry, my future work prospects, my housing and financial situation. I have thought from time to time that Liz would be far better off if I just ended it all for the security that my life insurance would give her. I’m sure as hell that my passing would not be greatly missed by many people on this planet.

 
These last 3-4 weeks have been some of the worst I have suffered in the last couple of years. I have various elements in my life that have frankly gone pear shaped. Ball juggling has never been a strong suit for me, but I've coped (barely).

Due to circumstances I won't go into here now I have no close friends, pretty much no friends really at all apart from my family and work colleagues (see above) so having the ability to talk to intellectual human beings is vital.

It’s not always easy though.

 

I think Twitter allows expression where none is normally possible. It also brings together various groups, but I have to say no one is totally "normal" that uses twitter a lot.

There are funny people, there are caring people, happy, angry, sad and lost people, married, single, divorced, of all sorts of various orientations, you name it. 

But there are two types of people I really don't get; the intolerance towards others astounds me. You don't know me but you will be quick to shoot me down if I'm wrong, I might do the same in other people’s eyes, I don't know. I know recently I got called negative by someone I'd spoken to for months. Its always a shock when someone like that decides effectively that they would prefer you weren't in their lives anymore.

Previously I tried to stick up for someone who clearly states they have OCD (as do my daughters in their own ways) and got ganged up on for doing so. The bloke comes across as funny and jokes with lots of people, but frankly he is a vicious arse in my view, a playground bully. I certainly would have expected better from the other person involved as well, but maybe she has believed her own hype. 

You can come to twitter for a lot of reasons but picking on other people shouldn't be tolerated.

The second group are those that say they will do something and then by their actions, whether intentionally or not do something totally different.

I’m a clutz, I'm totally unorganised, but I do try to make sure if I say I will do somat then I will do it, even if it costs me personally to do it. I hate being faved off, id rather someone was straight with me, you may not like me, but I think knowing where we stand is so important.

If you don’t intend to do it then don’t promise it, if you don’t want me to talk to you then just say so, it will solve a lot of problems in my view.

My view is that it will be your loss rather than mine, even if that sounds arrogant or crass.

 

I've often been regarded as useful to know, normally for a specific job, such as a PC fix or helping someone move but only for that short time and then I get forgotten again. I have talked to people on Twitter that get this, the invisible ones. They are often the sweetest people you can hope to meet.

What I'd like is just sometimes is to be remembered for being me, rather than the useful bloke that can fix your PC. I am not holding my breath though.

That said, I'll often fix it anyway because that’s what I do, for the feeling of self worth it gives me, apart from the feeling of revulsion I get later on for being a needy idiot.

So twitter account 4, it started as a private vent away from account 3 that I just used to get stuff out of my head. then I ran them side by side Then I figured that I actually preferred it to number 3, & now number 3 is deactivated, unlikely to return if I am honest.

The main reason is that and I might be burying my head in the sand but I can’t stand the way that both men & women use explicitly sexual language to people as meaningless throwaway jokes, especially if they are married. It sounds like I am Victorian but really I find it quite sickening from some, I can’t help that. You can try to ignore it, but it wore me out, partly because of the way twitter now shows conversations from people you follow.

I am often left wondering how that type of humour is funny, but most of the time it really isn’t to me. Oh and prefacing that with I love my wife dearly doesn’t cut it with me.

Liz hates me using twitter, but really it is the only outlet I have to talk to anyone, I am not alone in both loving and hating it though.

I have often been accused of speaking to woman a lot, well that happens to be because I get on with them far better than I do men, I can rarely hold a conversation with a bloke for long, whether about football, cricket or whatever, it peters out after seconds, but I can talk to women, although I can struggle now as my brain seems to clam up, or my decency filter kicks in and the words that I want to say stops me from the words coming out.

In part this is a good thing, but it all seems a bit perfunctory sometimes, as well as reticence on their part to open up as well. I know that it is difficult to trust others when all you know about them is what you read on a screen, but it annoys me (it shouldn’t) when a woman will trust a woman that has done nothing to prove they deserve it, but a man who has is kept at arms length or shut out.

Again its honesty, its I don’t trust you so I am going to make a generalisation about you just because you are a man, or its I don’t trust you because you are you, although I know you can be useful to me so I will keep you onside just in case. This makes me sounds extremely bitter and I am really not that bad, but I just want honesty, it’s a rare thing, but maybe it is just the way I work that I like to know where I stand with people otherwise my brain will fill in the gaps.

We shall see how we get on from here. I’m not following all the same people, again it’s probably my loss but to speak to the same people day in you can’t have that nagging doubt in your mind.

That said I am running at about 10% of my previous number of followers, so to my mind, either those 90% didn’t notice, don’t care either way or maybe quite happy that I have left colj806 and sodded off out of their TL without them bothering to have to unfollow me.

Someone said it will be a slow burner, I think I like it that way, kind of sums me up!

If you have bothered to read this far then I hope we will speak soon