Just a quick post

Is it ever possible to feel like you can keep all the balls you have to juggle on a daily basis up in the air for long?
I'm not really sure it is.

I fix one area (or one area just sorts itself out) and then I manage to screw up another area.

My ability to say the wrong thing at the wrong time is legendary. My ability to close down rather than deal with the issue even more so.
And so it is again today.

I have major decisions to make, but also iI'm in a frame of mind where I'd like to bury my head in the sand. I'm good at that.... Very good at that.

I need to be a better juggler or have less balls in the air. Neither are likely to happen quickly or easily.

I'll just keep throwing them up in the air and hoping to catch as many as I can.

Just a good job I don't juggle with plates

Until next time

CJ x

Here I am

The fact that nobody reads this, or more likely knows that it is here is probably a good thing, I'd hate to be accused of sub tweeting, but instead, sub blogging seems ok? I don't do it to accuse, I do it to extract the noise in my head, its deafening at the moment, and I go over and over the same things time and again. I feel I am underestimated at my powers of confidentiality, but some things need to be said


It didn't long for me to reactivate after last time, something amazing happened, and I was on top of the world. The strange thing was that it was all predicated on a massive lie that I had been fed for at least a month by someone.
Its strange that my reaction was not outrage, or anger at the lie itself, as it answered all the doubts and questions in my head that I had. It may be down to the way I felt, but given that reaction of the other person, how distraught they were about what had happened as well we moved on. It has been intense and amazing (A word I used far too much)

Except then in 2 or 3 weeks, at the beginning of this week, its all fallen apart, and frankly given that there is no mystery anymore I really don't think that remaining "friends" is a realistic long term option, although I am hopeful but realistic.
It went from not being to talk to someone for a moment, thinking about them all the time, tears when you upset them, wanting so much to meet and hold them, to a occasional perfunctory "How are you"?
I'm not even sure that they are so bothered about the answer even, which if it is the case then I would say why do you bother asking?

I'm confused, angry but mostly deeply upset and sad. I have been told not to put it on myself, but I am me, my brain however much it wants to shrug this off currently does not allow it.

Someone said that feeling this way about someone takes a huge investment of time, and also moreso emotion. I now feel wrung out by it all if I am honest, so stepping back may not be a bad thing, back it is the coldness or aloofness that I feel in such a short space of time that I think is causing the confusion. That said, I was also asked "What did you expect to happen?"
Life is far simpler but frankly it isn't better at the moment, I miss them, and I still want to know how they are, to just be able to chat about "stuff"

I have not the first clue. All I know is that trusted this person implicitly and with in some ways told them more than anyone else I have ever told. I'm not sure if I feel that the trust was misplaced, or in fact just that it had something to do with it.... In someways I am normally a giver, I give of myself, help and listen.... Possibly this is also what was different, I was listened to, intently at time while I emptied myself of things that I haven't rarely even acknowledged myself.

The thing that has happened, and what struck a chord with my previous blog is that I have now run out of words.
I think I want someone to come and get me, I want to be rescused in some way, but at present I am doing a good self defence job of pushing people away and likewise I deactivated Twitter again because frankly nobody really listens to anything anyone says on there that much, save a couple of beautiful people its a case of transitory and ephemeral cobblers.

So at the moment I am reading, I am trying to watch films and listening to music but I am still numb from it all, like having an out of body experience

So here I am

What do I want?

So I deactivated twitter today.
Been there, done that you might say, and you'd be right.

Except this time I'm not sure I'm going to return, at least maybe not in a hurry.

The same issues trundle on in my head without being fixed. So I just wait for the next cycle, up or down
.
I miss the humour it had and altho I have talked to some amazing people then I know life will carry on. Twitter is transitory beast, I know recently that even people you consider as quite close can move on and you drift apart.
No animosity, just a sad fact of life

So I would just wish you all well whatever happens x

Twitter

Here is a thing.

It might turn into something a bit long. So this is my fourth account.

In previously incarnations I have probably tweeted upwards of 60,000 tweets & countless DMs. Mainly replies to people as my brain normally draws a blank on spontaneous thought, but bounces off people.

I suffer from stress and depression, but I have never & will likely never go to the doctor with it. I feel it is manageable, but some days are better than others.

I can suffer from paranoia, normally brought about by a message not being replied to, in usually stupid timescales, and a feeling of a lack of self worth (I am a total failure, especially since I was passed over for reapplying for my own job that I have done well for 5 years) This is cyclical but the downs can be bad, the norm is a little hangdog.

I fear for the future of both myself, my kids, my parents who are both aged and have long term medical conditions, my mother being especially a worry, my future work prospects, my housing and financial situation. I have thought from time to time that Liz would be far better off if I just ended it all for the security that my life insurance would give her. I’m sure as hell that my passing would not be greatly missed by many people on this planet.

 
These last 3-4 weeks have been some of the worst I have suffered in the last couple of years. I have various elements in my life that have frankly gone pear shaped. Ball juggling has never been a strong suit for me, but I've coped (barely).

Due to circumstances I won't go into here now I have no close friends, pretty much no friends really at all apart from my family and work colleagues (see above) so having the ability to talk to intellectual human beings is vital.

It’s not always easy though.

 

I think Twitter allows expression where none is normally possible. It also brings together various groups, but I have to say no one is totally "normal" that uses twitter a lot.

There are funny people, there are caring people, happy, angry, sad and lost people, married, single, divorced, of all sorts of various orientations, you name it. 

But there are two types of people I really don't get; the intolerance towards others astounds me. You don't know me but you will be quick to shoot me down if I'm wrong, I might do the same in other people’s eyes, I don't know. I know recently I got called negative by someone I'd spoken to for months. Its always a shock when someone like that decides effectively that they would prefer you weren't in their lives anymore.

Previously I tried to stick up for someone who clearly states they have OCD (as do my daughters in their own ways) and got ganged up on for doing so. The bloke comes across as funny and jokes with lots of people, but frankly he is a vicious arse in my view, a playground bully. I certainly would have expected better from the other person involved as well, but maybe she has believed her own hype. 

You can come to twitter for a lot of reasons but picking on other people shouldn't be tolerated.

The second group are those that say they will do something and then by their actions, whether intentionally or not do something totally different.

I’m a clutz, I'm totally unorganised, but I do try to make sure if I say I will do somat then I will do it, even if it costs me personally to do it. I hate being faved off, id rather someone was straight with me, you may not like me, but I think knowing where we stand is so important.

If you don’t intend to do it then don’t promise it, if you don’t want me to talk to you then just say so, it will solve a lot of problems in my view.

My view is that it will be your loss rather than mine, even if that sounds arrogant or crass.

 

I've often been regarded as useful to know, normally for a specific job, such as a PC fix or helping someone move but only for that short time and then I get forgotten again. I have talked to people on Twitter that get this, the invisible ones. They are often the sweetest people you can hope to meet.

What I'd like is just sometimes is to be remembered for being me, rather than the useful bloke that can fix your PC. I am not holding my breath though.

That said, I'll often fix it anyway because that’s what I do, for the feeling of self worth it gives me, apart from the feeling of revulsion I get later on for being a needy idiot.

So twitter account 4, it started as a private vent away from account 3 that I just used to get stuff out of my head. then I ran them side by side Then I figured that I actually preferred it to number 3, & now number 3 is deactivated, unlikely to return if I am honest.

The main reason is that and I might be burying my head in the sand but I can’t stand the way that both men & women use explicitly sexual language to people as meaningless throwaway jokes, especially if they are married. It sounds like I am Victorian but really I find it quite sickening from some, I can’t help that. You can try to ignore it, but it wore me out, partly because of the way twitter now shows conversations from people you follow.

I am often left wondering how that type of humour is funny, but most of the time it really isn’t to me. Oh and prefacing that with I love my wife dearly doesn’t cut it with me.

Liz hates me using twitter, but really it is the only outlet I have to talk to anyone, I am not alone in both loving and hating it though.

I have often been accused of speaking to woman a lot, well that happens to be because I get on with them far better than I do men, I can rarely hold a conversation with a bloke for long, whether about football, cricket or whatever, it peters out after seconds, but I can talk to women, although I can struggle now as my brain seems to clam up, or my decency filter kicks in and the words that I want to say stops me from the words coming out.

In part this is a good thing, but it all seems a bit perfunctory sometimes, as well as reticence on their part to open up as well. I know that it is difficult to trust others when all you know about them is what you read on a screen, but it annoys me (it shouldn’t) when a woman will trust a woman that has done nothing to prove they deserve it, but a man who has is kept at arms length or shut out.

Again its honesty, its I don’t trust you so I am going to make a generalisation about you just because you are a man, or its I don’t trust you because you are you, although I know you can be useful to me so I will keep you onside just in case. This makes me sounds extremely bitter and I am really not that bad, but I just want honesty, it’s a rare thing, but maybe it is just the way I work that I like to know where I stand with people otherwise my brain will fill in the gaps.

We shall see how we get on from here. I’m not following all the same people, again it’s probably my loss but to speak to the same people day in you can’t have that nagging doubt in your mind.

That said I am running at about 10% of my previous number of followers, so to my mind, either those 90% didn’t notice, don’t care either way or maybe quite happy that I have left colj806 and sodded off out of their TL without them bothering to have to unfollow me.

Someone said it will be a slow burner, I think I like it that way, kind of sums me up!

If you have bothered to read this far then I hope we will speak soon