The fact that nobody reads this, or more likely knows that it is here is probably a good thing, I'd hate to be accused of sub tweeting, but instead, sub blogging seems ok? I don't do it to accuse, I do it to extract the noise in my head, its deafening at the moment, and I go over and over the same things time and again. I feel I am underestimated at my powers of confidentiality, but some things need to be said
It didn't long for me to reactivate after last time, something amazing happened, and I was on top of the world. The strange thing was that it was all predicated on a massive lie that I had been fed for at least a month by someone.
Its strange that my reaction was not outrage, or anger at the lie itself, as it answered all the doubts and questions in my head that I had. It may be down to the way I felt, but given that reaction of the other person, how distraught they were about what had happened as well we moved on. It has been intense and amazing (A word I used far too much)
Except then in 2 or 3 weeks, at the beginning of this week, its all fallen apart, and frankly given that there is no mystery anymore I really don't think that remaining "friends" is a realistic long term option, although I am hopeful but realistic.
It went from not being to talk to someone for a moment, thinking about them all the time, tears when you upset them, wanting so much to meet and hold them, to a occasional perfunctory "How are you"?
I'm not even sure that they are so bothered about the answer even, which if it is the case then I would say why do you bother asking?
I'm confused, angry but mostly deeply upset and sad. I have been told not to put it on myself, but I am me, my brain however much it wants to shrug this off currently does not allow it.
Someone said that feeling this way about someone takes a huge investment of time, and also moreso emotion. I now feel wrung out by it all if I am honest, so stepping back may not be a bad thing, back it is the coldness or aloofness that I feel in such a short space of time that I think is causing the confusion. That said, I was also asked "What did you expect to happen?"
Life is far simpler but frankly it isn't better at the moment, I miss them, and I still want to know how they are, to just be able to chat about "stuff"
I have not the first clue. All I know is that trusted this person implicitly and with in some ways told them more than anyone else I have ever told. I'm not sure if I feel that the trust was misplaced, or in fact just that it had something to do with it.... In someways I am normally a giver, I give of myself, help and listen.... Possibly this is also what was different, I was listened to, intently at time while I emptied myself of things that I haven't rarely even acknowledged myself.
The thing that has happened, and what struck a chord with my previous blog is that I have now run out of words.
I think I want someone to come and get me, I want to be rescused in some way, but at present I am doing a good self defence job of pushing people away and likewise I deactivated Twitter again because frankly nobody really listens to anything anyone says on there that much, save a couple of beautiful people its a case of transitory and ephemeral cobblers.
So at the moment I am reading, I am trying to watch films and listening to music but I am still numb from it all, like having an out of body experience
So here I am
